judys care giver blog

reality setting in.

It is 12:30 and I cant sleep. I am actually exhausted but I have a lot rolling around in my head. My daughter just turned 16 and before I know it she will be out the door. I spent all day cleaning and decorating and filling goodie bags for a party that I'm not sure she even wants. what she really wants is a car but that's not goanna happen. I finished early and have been trying to sleep for a few hours. Then it hit me. Like the walls were closing in at 100 miles an hour kind of hit me. I will never get to retire.

I am, at this point in time, a stay at home mom. I take care of my kids and my husband and my mother. But eventually my kids will get older. Go off to college  or start a job. They will find a life of there own and move on. And for most mothers that is a time for empty nesting. Followed by sense of relief.”I can do what I want now” kind of a moment.  Time to focus on yourself and take grand vacations with you spouse.  That is the dream of any parent with kids in there teenage years. However, for me, I have come to the realization that it wont happen. Why? because I will always have my mother with me.

I don't mind caring for my mother. I have been doing it sense I was 36. And it has been like having another kid in the house. But really... she is not a kid... and she will not grow up and move on. So I will never not be a caregiver. I will never be able to say I'm going out for a bit or I'm going to visit friends out of state or hey Hun lets go to the Bahamas for the weekend.

I never really thought about life in the long term before my mother got sick and my father passed away. And now I feel like its all I think about. I want to go places and do things before I'm to old to have fun or remember any of it. When I was 16 I thought 38 was sooooo old. Now I just think how happy I am to still be here and how much I would love to see retirement.

A new year on the way and a new outlook on care giving.

I haven't written in a while. Mainly because I wanted to write something upbeat for my newest post. Well if you read on you will see that that is not the case.

Life has not been upbeat around here. Things have been up and down and down and out and absolutely crazy. Every time I sat down to write I found something “more interesting to do”

The truth is I didn't want to talk about my life outside of the role of a caregiver. All the other parts of my life that I deal with on a day to day basis. Even though I have had some great stories I haven't been able to sit down and share them with you.  As much as I want to talk about care giving, I didn't want to talk about me.

Then I talked to a friend about it and she made a very good point.

“ If your not going to write what you are really feeling then why are you writing at all.” (She was an English major and probably cringes every time she reads this blog.) 

 However she did make since. Lets face it. We are all just trying to get threw the day with everything we have to do and we are lucky if we have a moment to our selves. There are so many things going on in a dementia caregivers life. I take care of my mother  but I also take care of my kids and my husband and my friends. It just can’t be all about Judy.There I said it. And … well.. I feel better.

 So I have decided to change some things around here.

I am not going to wait for something miraculous to happen to my mother before the next post. After all the blog is called Judy's care giver. um hello… that's me.

So from now on I will tell you about how I, as a caregiver, mother, wife, daughter, friend, women and a real live person deals with it all. there are a lot of caregiver blogs out there that can actually give you advice and teach you something. Most of them are very good. I can't and really don't want to compete with that.

What I do want to do is let you know my story and hopefully show you that you are not alone. And maybe even have one or two of you say  "yep, I am totally there. I get it and I am right there with you." Thanks for reading. I hope  you stick around to see the new and the true judyscaregiver.

A Trick Question???

This is a post that I wrote on another blog that I no longer tend to. When you read it you may ask how it works for the caregiver. I believe that if you get it, understand it and take it for what it is worth, it could be not only be a way to look at caregiving but a way to look at life.

A Trick Question

We have all heard of the glass being half empty or half full right. Someone asks you to imaging a glass in front of you and the liquid inside has been poured to the center line. I prefer vodka but you can put any liquid you want in the glass. Then you are asked the proverbial question. Do you see the glass as half full or half empty. Go ahead an answer now.

 

 

 This quick and simple little test is supposed to answer a bigger question. Are you an optimist or a pessimist? So based on what you decided earlier, do you think the test is right?   

 

I say NO!

 

In my opinion (and of course that’s all I give around hear) it’s a trick question.

I have always seen the glass as being full. Not half full, FULL.

Even though we don’t see it, there is something in the rest of that glass. Air…  Dust… Your reflection.  Whatever it is, something is in the glass at all times.

Is this some deeper test of your perceptions?  No.  Does it mean that if you see the glass as always full you’re a complete and total optimist who is happy all the time? HELL NO!

We are all pessimist. We are all optimist. It just depends on our mood and our circumstances at that moment.

 

As I see it, it just means that I have good moments and bad moments. I feel tragedy, loss, sadness and fear. I also feel joy, love, hope and excitement.  

 

A full glass is all consuming, and it is filled to the brim with all these things. What I am saying is everything that has happened in my life has made me who I am today and that will continue to happen till the day they put me in the ground. Every day, hour, minute and second of my life, whether good or bad, makes me who I am. Possative or negative, it is still there and how I deal with it makes me who I am. It is an uneasy and sometimes scary choice on how we tackel it. but we still do it. the good. The bad. Thats life. I say embace it all. Learn from it, enjoy it, remember it, love it.

 

We all have a life. When I see the glass this way it means I have a full life.

 

 

 

SO, would you like to retake the test and answer the question again?

We have all heard of the glass being half empty or half full right. Someone asks you to imaging a glass in front of you and the liquid inside has been poured to the center line. I prefer vodka but you can put any liquid you want in the glass. Then you are asked the proverbial question. Do you see the glass as half full or half empty. Go ahead an answer now.

 

 

 This quick and simple little test is supposed to answer a bigger question. Are you an optimist or a pessimist? So based on what you decided earlier, do you think the test is right?   

 

I say NO!

 

In my opinion (and of course that’s all I give around hear) it’s a trick question.

I have always seen the glass as being full. Not half full, FULL.

Even though we don’t see it, there is something in the rest of that glass. Air…  Dust… Your reflection.  Whatever it is, something is in the glass at all times.

Is this some deeper test of your perceptions?  No.  Does it mean that if you see the glass as always full you’re a complete and total optimist who is happy all the time? HELL NO!

We are all pessimist. We are all optimist. It just depends on our mood and our circumstances at that moment.

 

As I see it, it just means that I have good moments and bad moments. I feel tragedy, loss, sadness and fear. I also feel joy, love, hope and excitement.  

 

A full glass is all consuming, and it is filled to the brim with all these things. What I am saying is everything that has happened in my life has made me who I am today and that will continue to happen till the day they put me in the ground. Every day, hour, minute and second of my life, whether good or bad, makes me who I am. Possative or negative, it is still there and how I deal with it makes me who I am. It is an uneasy and sometimes scary choice on how we tackel it. but we still do it. the good. The bad. Thats life. I say embace it all. Learn from it, enjoy it, remember it, love it.

 

We all have a life. When I see the glass this way it means I have a full life.

 

 

 

SO, would you like to retake the test and answer the question again?

Experiencing Life, Briefly, Inside a Nursing Home

I usually share news about eldercare and dementia on my whats new s page but I thought this needed to be front and center. I am a big believer  in walking in the shoes of your loved when it comes to eldercare. This shows what a big diference it can make in care.

Experiencing Life, Briefly, Inside a Nursing Home

By KATIE ZEZIMA

Published: August 23, 2009

 

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/24/health/24nursing.html?WT.mc_id=fb_nyt502&WT.mc_ev=click

 

 

N.F.C.A. Says Speak Up For Health Reform

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Dear NFCA members and friends:

I know you’ve heard it before but NOW truly is the time to speak up for the health care reform we all need!  It is time to contact your senators and representatives. They do want to hear from you. Contact information is included at the end of this email.

Tell them you are a family caregiver, who you care for, what their diagnosis is, and how long you’ve been a family caregiver. Add a sentence or two about your specific situation.

Here’s NFCA’s message about reform. You can use it as is or modify to fit your style.

Family caregivers provide 80% of the care for our nation’s chronically ill and disabled population. We know from personal experience how poorly our loved ones are cared for in our present system which is focused on acute care and paying for procedures and not holistic care that is carefully coordinated between personnel and across settings.

System delivery reform by which doctors and other healthcare providers will be paid to provide good chronic illness care will make a huge difference in the health and wellbeing of our loved ones. It will also improve our health and wellbeing.

We urge you to pass legislation that authorizes multiple pilot projects across the country focused on providing comprehensive chronic illness care. We urge you to pass legislation that is focused on the whole person, not on procedures. There are so many examples around the country that show this approach saves money. Such programs are examples for the fundamental changes CBO has called for.

Use this link to find the local office of your senators and representative.

You can go to www.senate.gov and www.house.gov to find emails and phone numbers.
You can learn more about the details of pending health care legislation and specifically what it means to family caregivers on NFCA’s web site. Please let us know if you sent a message or visited your elected officials. Your feedback is important. So please send us a note at info@thefamilycaregiver.org and in the subject line write: Speaking Up. Thank you!

Take care,
Suzanne Mintz

President & CEO

PLEASE FORWARD THIS E-LETTER ALONG TO YOUR FAMILIES AND FRIENDS and ENCOURAGE ALL THE FAMILY CAREGIVERS YOU KNOW TO JOIN THE NFCA COMMUNITY OF CAREGIVERS. THERE IS NO COST! Just click here: http://www.thefamilycaregiver.org/

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1-800-896-3650
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National Family Caregivers Association
10400 Connecticut Avenue
Suite 500
Kensington, Maryland 20895