judys care giver blog

Do you lie to your loved one with Alzheimer’s or Dementia?

I want to know how you deal with questions from your loved one with Alzheimer’s or Dementia. Do you skirt around the issue? Do you give an honest answer? Do you change the subject? Or do you tell a bold face lie. This is a question I dealt with for a long time before I finally gave in to a simple and effective way to get threw it. I found out the hard way that caring for my mother and her dementia meant I had to lie.

I am an honest person. Not that I am patting myself on the back, but if you ask anyone who knows me they would say I can be to honest. I have friends that didn’t like me when they first met me because of it and then learned to love me for it. I have also met people who couldn’t take it.

And if I am being completely honest I have to admit that I can also be extremely emotional, viciously sarcastic, and frustratingly impatient.And as you all know I am not the best when it comes to spelling or grammar. Um… let’s just say the list goes on and on. But when it comes to lying… well…ok. I can do that too.

In the life of a Dementia caregiver, lies are a way of life.

It sucks to lie to my mother. I hate it. But what I hate more is the look on my mothers face when I tell her the truth about something that will give her nothing but pain for the few hours, minutes or seconds that she will remember it. Knowing that it does nothing but rip her already confused and scary thoughts into a million little pieces is not worth it. So yes I lie.

When I was a kid I was afraid to lie to my parents. But as a teenager it became a right of passage to tell a lie and get away with it. Not that I got away with it very often, but when I did there was a mixed since of power, pleasure and pain. Now a days, as the caregiver of a dementia parent, it’s just a necessary way to keep the peace.

Bottom line Lies are a necessary evil in my life as a caregiver.

When Judy says “where is Bob” (my father who passed away 4 years ago) I say I don’t know. Or he’s not here right now. When she wants to know why all the doors and windows are locked I tell her it’s to keep the bad people out. When I have to go out to run an errand I ask my mother to hang out and keep an eye on the kids even though the kids are the ones watching her. These are the little white lies that keep everyone involved, including Judy, happy safe and at peace.

I did not always lie to my mother. When Judy was first diagnosed and I was so sure I could take care of my mother all by myself. I would explain things over and over till my head was going to explode. I was afraid every day of the looming questions that my mother would always ask. The first, second and probably 10^th time my mother asks where my father was I told her the truth. That conversation was the worst thing I have ever had to have. However I did it over and over and over again.

So in my opinion if changing the subject or validation or redirection or humor or anything else you can think of just doesn’t work and a lie does, then I, without effort or heartache, say yes, tell the lie.

get your purple on people

Today is world alz. day

It is as simple as wearing a purple ribbon.

go to alz.org to find out others ways to support the cause

Dementia Videos with Judy

Friday was a much easier day. After 22 hours of “A day in the life of Judy” we all had a chance to get some well deserved rest. Mom finally fell asleep around midnight and did not get out of bed until 3:00pm the next day. I checked on her from time to time and made sure she had fluids. But for most of the day she slept. As much as this may sound selfish on my part I was happy to let her sleep. I ran some unavoidable errands but then became a couch potato renting movies and ordering pizza for dinner.

As for the promise to show the video, It was something I had to think about actually doing. After a long  debate of conscience and a short conversation with my husband I decided I would put them up. But is was not an easy decision to make.

At this point most of my readers are family. My mother’s brothers, her aunt, my sister, and my mother and father in law. For the longest time I have tried to shelter them from the worst of it; Usually telling everyone that everything is fine. We have a routine and most days are nothing like Thursday. So it is just easier for me to keep everyone from worrying or even worse, feeling sorry for us. However when I started this blog I had a purpose. Part of which was to show the good and the bad when it came to dementia. I guess I feel that I would be doing a disservice if I left that part out just because I was uncomfortable with it.

Please remember when you watch them that there are hundreds of thousands of people with this disease and even more caregivers living with this disease.

If you are new to “dementia” or feel the need to know more, please check out some of are links and other blogs posted on the sidebars of this page to find out more about Alzheimer’s and Dementia.

Here we go again part II

Ok so its a little after 10pm and mom is still going strong. at this point the day has been nothing short of a roller coaster ride. I can usually just go with the ride but it"s different when I have to deal with the whole family at once. it"s never easy is it? Well we will have to get to them later.

Judy has mellowed a bit but we have had our moments,including everything from trying to leave out the dining room window to pacing because our Guest had not arrived. Guest that were apparently coming for a meeting on the support of our troupes in Saudi Arabia. Look I couldn't make this up if I tried. There was also a small confrontation with her granddaughter, followed by the realization that Walter Cronkite had passed away.

I have a few videos that I tried to take today so when I have a moment I will post them. they are not happy moments. they are however the best way to show the reality of the day. and the fact that these things really do happen.

The point of this is not to make Judy or the rest of my family look ridiculous. it is however a chance to let people know that no matter how hard it gets you can get threw it. just remember that because of Judy's dementia she is not seeing the world the way we do. and that all we can do is try to see it with her and not against her. judy is on the move again so I have to go for now but I will have more as soon as I can. 

Here we go again. Part I

It’s that time again. The time when Judy seems to turn on. You see most of the time mom is almost lethargic, sleeping about 16 hours a day. We try to keep her on a schedule but sometimes there’s no getting her out of bed. It’s like she powers down for months at a time and then out of the blue she reboots. ( sorry for the computer analogy but its the best way to describe the situation) This power burst can last for up to 72 hours. So I am grateful for the good night sleep I got last night.

 I am usually a night owl. However last night I managed to go to bed early for a change. I was sleeping well. that is until 5:30 this mourning when my husband woke me to let me know that mom was up, and I knew I was in for a long day. By 8:30 am my mom and I had cleaned the kitchen and moped the floor. By 10:30 we had gone threw the motions of looking for a car that she no longer owns then giving her opinion on everything the girls from the view had to say. next we played hide the purse and shoes so mom had nothing to take with her when she “decided” it was time to leave. In between all of this I had to apologies to several strangers when my mother attempted to call my sister without knowing the phone number.

It is now 11:33am and I have finally talked Judy into taking a nap, even though I know this is a sad attempt to take a break because it wont last long. She will just lay in bed for a while without falling asleep. I would usually take this time to rest myself but with the before mentioned good night sleep plus the two cups of coffee this mourning I will just have to wait it out. I'm sure this story will be longer than usual so I will post it in sections. More to come. Stay tuned