judys care giver blog

Judy's Caregivers, Care

    The pressures on a family member taking care of their own parents can be overwhelming. A long term caregiver trying to do the job unpaid and on there own will typically try to find full time care in a hospice or a nursing home within 5 years from the time they move there elderly parent in with them.

This is something I wrestle with on a day to day basis. I have been taking care of Judy for four years now and it is draining me.  I know that I am doing all I can for my mother but  I worry that my family is dealing with the stress that they shouldn’t have to take on. Sometimes I think that I can’t do this for the rest of my life, but in my heart, I don’t believe that any company or health-care facility will do her justice.  I don’t really trust 'the system'.

 

    The caregivers of my generation (late 30S's to mid 50S's) could spend more time taking care of there aging parents than raising their own children. This can take its toll.  We as caregivers will struggle with guilt, anger, loneliness, frustration and fatigue. We are assessable to anxiety and depression. And we have a shorter life expectancy then those who are not full time caregivers. As bleak as all this sounds it doesn’t have to be so bad. There are a few steps you can take to make sure your life and your health stay on an even keel, and still keep your parents as happy and as healthy as humanly possible.

 

• Take care of yourself. As a woman and a mother I know that this mantra can sometimes sound like nails on a chalkboard, but it is the best advice I can give. I never used to make appointments for myself. Now when I call to make a dentist appointment for my mom, I make one for myself. I do the same with her Dr. Appointments. If it is time for my yearly physical I set it up right after I set up hers.
• Get out of the house. Do not give up your entire lifestyle to take care of anyone. Stick with your hobbies. Go to dinner or a movie. Join a gym. Make time to spend with your family and friends. Down time will rejuvenate you and can sometimes give you a new outlook on the situation.
• Let others in.  For you and your parent. Friend’s neighbors and other family members are often willing to help but you have to ask. Most of the people I know are not mind readers. If you tell them you are fine they will let it go even if they don’t believe you. So ask for help.  Also look into services in your community. Find out who is available in your area that can assist you. Adult day care, home care services, meals-on-wheels, elder transportation, and respite care are out there. There are also many resources online.
• Learn to deal with stress. This is probably the hardest one for me. Keep a positive attitude and believe in yourself. Learn to breath. Learn to relax, and learn to laugh when you want to cry. And when you have to cry do it. Find a quiet place and let it out. Accept that there are events you cannot control. Then move on.

        

I have said it a thousand times. “This is not easy” but it does not have to be the end of the world. Taking care of yourself will ultimately take care of your mom or dad. And after all , isn't that’s the point.  

 

 

judys granddaughter

I don’t know how it happened but one morning I woke up and my daughter was 15. She was smart, funny, talented and beautiful. She was also sarcastic, obnoxious and rude. I’m not sure which parts I should take credit for. However, when it comes to her grandmother, Katelin is great.

On my worst days my daughter will tell me straight out to chill and deal with it. Katelin has a way with her grandmother that I have yet to understand. My mother and my daughter had a special bond before the heart attack. Katelin could talk to her grandmother in a way that sometimes made me jealous. Judy was her best friend. And even though I know that the grandmother she loved is not really there anymore, Katie just goes with the flow. My children have great memories of their grandma, but being around her now is completely different.

There are some days when I  feel like a 15 year old girl seems to do a better job then her 38 year old mother. I guess children can be saints when they want to be. Its not easy for me taking care of my mother , my children, my husband. With Katelin, even though I know how hard it is on her, she knows the difference between grandma then and grandma now. I don’t believe for a minute that my children are ok with the situation or that they just accept it; But both my children have found a way to say ‘this is how it is and I am going to make it work’. I am very proud of them.

Taking care of an aging parent

• My name is Mariah Kissel and I love my mother. She has always been there for me. I was never a sweet little girly girl , and as teenage daughters go, lets just say my parents had there hands full. My mom and dad where constantly fixing my mistakes and covering my butt. When I was in the sixth grade, my class was going to put on a show for the PTA. It was a medley of songs from the Sound of Music. Everyone in our class got to be in the show but only a few were selected to be a Von Trapp child. My teacher was picking the last Von Trap girl and it was between myself and one other student. She told us to bring in a costume on Thursday and she would pick the girl with the best one. Well, of course I waited to tell my mother the costume part until Wednesday night. "If I dont get this part I will die." Yes I was a mellow dramatic child. I think I cried myself to sleep that night because my mother didn’t rush out to find the perfect dress for me. The next morning I woke up and there it was. The perfect dress hanging on my bedroom door. My mother had stayed up all night sewing together this amazing costume out of scrap fabrics she had laying around her craft room. I got the part in that show because of her talents, not mine.

  My mother was always doing things like that for my sister and I. I cannot think of one major event in my life that she wasn’t a part of . When I wanted to move to California she helped me find an apartment and helped pay the bills for said apartment. A year later when I called, begging her to come get me because I couldn’t take LA anymore, she drove four hours in a U-Haul with my dad, packed me up and moved me back to Las Vegas and back into her house. That was just the first of many, many, many times that I would move back in with dear old mom and dad. She was there when I got married and when I got divorced. This amazing woman was even in the delivery room when I had both my children. Katelin in 94 and Jacob in 96. she was the best grandmother. I never had to buy a Halloween costume for my children. Whatever they wanted to be she would make it happen. They were her pride and joy. Even when I told her I was once again getting married, she helped plan the most exquisite wedding. I guess you could say she was as perfect a mom as you can get. She was my best friend.

  I Never thought in a million years that all of that care, love, happiness and friendship could be gone in an instant. So when I got that call, that devastating call. The one that said my mother was sick, confused and alone. The call that said she would need 24 hour care for the rest of her life, I can honestly say that there was no hesitation in making my decision. A decision that would change both her life and mine. My mother spent 35 years taking care of me and it was time for me to return the favor. I became my mother's caregiver right then and there. Caring for a sick aging parent is the hardest thing I will probably ever have to do, but no matter how hard it can get I wouldn’t change my decision to take care of the woman who always took care of me.

  In these blog’s you will get a glimpse of what it is like to be Judy’s care giver and daughter. The good, the bad, the funny…The not so funny. I’m not here to give great advice, all though I might try from time to time. I’m just here to let the hundreds of thousands of sons and daughters taking care of their parents that they are not alone. Please join me next week for my new post and Thank you for taking the time to read my blog.

 

 

 

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