It is 12:30 and I cant sleep. I am actually exhausted but I have a lot rolling around in my head. My daughter just turned 16 and before I know it she will be out the door. I spent all day cleaning and decorating and filling goodie bags for a party that I'm not sure she even wants. what she really wants is a car but that's not goanna happen. I finished early and have been trying to sleep for a few hours. Then it hit me. Like the walls were closing in at 100 miles an hour kind of hit me. I will never get to retire.
I am, at this point in time, a stay at home mom. I take care of my kids and my husband and my mother. But eventually my kids will get older. Go off to college or start a job. They will find a life of there own and move on. And for most mothers that is a time for empty nesting. Followed by sense of relief.”I can do what I want now” kind of a moment. Time to focus on yourself and take grand vacations with you spouse. That is the dream of any parent with kids in there teenage years. However, for me, I have come to the realization that it wont happen. Why? because I will always have my mother with me.
I don't mind caring for my mother. I have been doing it sense I was 36. And it has been like having another kid in the house. But really... she is not a kid... and she will not grow up and move on. So I will never not be a caregiver. I will never be able to say I'm going out for a bit or I'm going to visit friends out of state or hey Hun lets go to the Bahamas for the weekend.
I never really thought about life in the long term before my mother got sick and my father passed away. And now I feel like its all I think about. I want to go places and do things before I'm to old to have fun or remember any of it. When I was 16 I thought 38 was sooooo old. Now I just think how happy I am to still be here and how much I would love to see retirement.
