judys care giver blog

A quick shout out

To all my readers… Well to the few of you that still pop in anyway, I just wanted to say thanks for checking in.

My last post was a bit somber and I have taken some time to evaluate what I was really thinking. I felt that I was not going to get to live my life the way I wanted to. then I took a good look at my sob story and realized that's not anybodies fault but my own.

I haven't been writing lately because, well I have been busy living my life. I had a great holiday season with my family all of whom stayed at my house, followed by a new year that included my daughter turning 16. I have spent a lot of time with my family and friends and have had the opportunity to get out of the house quite a bit. The football season kept me on my toes until my Chargers lost but there's still the Super Bowl on the way. I even got to write a game show off my bucket list when Todd and I had the chance to be on Lets Make a Deal. it was a long day but it was so much fun.

I have been waiting for 8 months for the adult memory day care to open down the street and it will finally happen on the 1st of February. That means more time to do the things that I have been putting off for far to long. I have actually been putting my life on hold since my father passed away, thinking that all I could do was take care of my mom. I am over that now.

I felt an obligation to put what I needed on the back burner and take care of everyone else. I have now decided that that is crap. I think so and I know my mother would agree.

My mother lived her life making sure my sister and I were happy and if she could I know exactly what she would say.

“Is this what your really goanna do with your life. Of course you take care of family. They come first. But don't give up yourself in the process. get over this…whatever this is and do something about it.” Then she would make a joke and we would both laugh. and just like with every other heart felt conversation we had ever had,  her hand would grip my chin to make sure I was looking in her eyes, and she would say I love you.

Don't misunderstand me when I say I'm doing things for me now. I am still taking care of my mom and my husband and my kids. I am just goanna add myself to the list. I have family and friends that are here in town that can help out if I ask and when the daycare opens I might even go back to work. I'm just tired of feeling frustrated and lonely and helpless. and the only one that can change that is me. I say it’s time for some fun.

reality setting in.

It is 12:30 and I cant sleep. I am actually exhausted but I have a lot rolling around in my head. My daughter just turned 16 and before I know it she will be out the door. I spent all day cleaning and decorating and filling goodie bags for a party that I'm not sure she even wants. what she really wants is a car but that's not goanna happen. I finished early and have been trying to sleep for a few hours. Then it hit me. Like the walls were closing in at 100 miles an hour kind of hit me. I will never get to retire.

I am, at this point in time, a stay at home mom. I take care of my kids and my husband and my mother. But eventually my kids will get older. Go off to college  or start a job. They will find a life of there own and move on. And for most mothers that is a time for empty nesting. Followed by sense of relief.”I can do what I want now” kind of a moment.  Time to focus on yourself and take grand vacations with you spouse.  That is the dream of any parent with kids in there teenage years. However, for me, I have come to the realization that it wont happen. Why? because I will always have my mother with me.

I don't mind caring for my mother. I have been doing it sense I was 36. And it has been like having another kid in the house. But really... she is not a kid... and she will not grow up and move on. So I will never not be a caregiver. I will never be able to say I'm going out for a bit or I'm going to visit friends out of state or hey Hun lets go to the Bahamas for the weekend.

I never really thought about life in the long term before my mother got sick and my father passed away. And now I feel like its all I think about. I want to go places and do things before I'm to old to have fun or remember any of it. When I was 16 I thought 38 was sooooo old. Now I just think how happy I am to still be here and how much I would love to see retirement.