judys care giver blog

Judy's Caregivers, Care

    The pressures on a family member taking care of their own parents can be overwhelming. A long term caregiver trying to do the job unpaid and on there own will typically try to find full time care in a hospice or a nursing home within 5 years from the time they move there elderly parent in with them.

This is something I wrestle with on a day to day basis. I have been taking care of Judy for four years now and it is draining me.  I know that I am doing all I can for my mother but  I worry that my family is dealing with the stress that they shouldn’t have to take on. Sometimes I think that I can’t do this for the rest of my life, but in my heart, I don’t believe that any company or health-care facility will do her justice.  I don’t really trust 'the system'.

 

    The caregivers of my generation (late 30S's to mid 50S's) could spend more time taking care of there aging parents than raising their own children. This can take its toll.  We as caregivers will struggle with guilt, anger, loneliness, frustration and fatigue. We are assessable to anxiety and depression. And we have a shorter life expectancy then those who are not full time caregivers. As bleak as all this sounds it doesn’t have to be so bad. There are a few steps you can take to make sure your life and your health stay on an even keel, and still keep your parents as happy and as healthy as humanly possible.

 

• Take care of yourself. As a woman and a mother I know that this mantra can sometimes sound like nails on a chalkboard, but it is the best advice I can give. I never used to make appointments for myself. Now when I call to make a dentist appointment for my mom, I make one for myself. I do the same with her Dr. Appointments. If it is time for my yearly physical I set it up right after I set up hers.
• Get out of the house. Do not give up your entire lifestyle to take care of anyone. Stick with your hobbies. Go to dinner or a movie. Join a gym. Make time to spend with your family and friends. Down time will rejuvenate you and can sometimes give you a new outlook on the situation.
• Let others in.  For you and your parent. Friend’s neighbors and other family members are often willing to help but you have to ask. Most of the people I know are not mind readers. If you tell them you are fine they will let it go even if they don’t believe you. So ask for help.  Also look into services in your community. Find out who is available in your area that can assist you. Adult day care, home care services, meals-on-wheels, elder transportation, and respite care are out there. There are also many resources online.
• Learn to deal with stress. This is probably the hardest one for me. Keep a positive attitude and believe in yourself. Learn to breath. Learn to relax, and learn to laugh when you want to cry. And when you have to cry do it. Find a quiet place and let it out. Accept that there are events you cannot control. Then move on.

        

I have said it a thousand times. “This is not easy” but it does not have to be the end of the world. Taking care of yourself will ultimately take care of your mom or dad. And after all , isn't that’s the point.  

 

 

judys granddaughter

I don’t know how it happened but one morning I woke up and my daughter was 15. She was smart, funny, talented and beautiful. She was also sarcastic, obnoxious and rude. I’m not sure which parts I should take credit for. However, when it comes to her grandmother, Katelin is great.

On my worst days my daughter will tell me straight out to chill and deal with it. Katelin has a way with her grandmother that I have yet to understand. My mother and my daughter had a special bond before the heart attack. Katelin could talk to her grandmother in a way that sometimes made me jealous. Judy was her best friend. And even though I know that the grandmother she loved is not really there anymore, Katie just goes with the flow. My children have great memories of their grandma, but being around her now is completely different.

There are some days when I  feel like a 15 year old girl seems to do a better job then her 38 year old mother. I guess children can be saints when they want to be. Its not easy for me taking care of my mother , my children, my husband. With Katelin, even though I know how hard it is on her, she knows the difference between grandma then and grandma now. I don’t believe for a minute that my children are ok with the situation or that they just accept it; But both my children have found a way to say ‘this is how it is and I am going to make it work’. I am very proud of them.

Judy's dog

When my husband Todd and I moved in together, I new we were missing something. It wasn’t enough that we had four children; two daughters from his first marriage and a son and daughter from mine, I knew we needed a dog. So one day I went to the Lead Animal Center and found Rosie. A mix breed, part pit bull, part black lab. I fell in love with her at first sight. Of course she needed a friend so we also adopted her “cell mate” who we named Datsyuk, (my husband is a big red wings fan )a mix of chow and Sheppard .I thought our family was complete until two years later when we found Zetti. We think she is a Sheppard / terrier mix but we’re not sure. Finally a full house, they were the family pets but they were my dogs. My babies. That is until Judy moved in.

Rosie is the real caregiver when it comes to my mom. She is the only dog I have ever seen follow a person around when the person doesn’t fill the food bowl or give praise to the dog. Yet she is always at my mothers side. The dogs are not allowed upstairs but have full rein over the first floor. However, if Judy decides to come upstairs for a while, Rosie is right behind her. She sleeps on moms bed, follows her around, well, like ‘a puppy’, and even waits outside the bathroom door. If Judy has decided to hide somewhere in the house which she often does, we can usually find her if we tell Rosie to find Grandma.. My mother even remembers Rosie’s name. This dog is truly moms best friend.

   

Judy's Dementia

www.judyscaregiver.com

My mother, Judy, has Dementia. Dementia is a word used to describe a group of symptoms that can cause problems with brain function. Some symptoms include: memory loss, confusion, a change in personality, agitation and delusions. An article from www.medlineplus.gov reads, "People with dementia may not be able to think well enough to do normal activities, such as getting dressed or eating. They may lose their ability to solve problems or control their emotions." My mother has all of these. So telling everyone that Judy has Dementia is a lot easier then explaining all the dirty details. How she had a massive heart attack that left her brain dead for 12 minutes. How she was in a comma for 2 days. That when she was revived, she was left with this non rehabilitating brain damage.

My mother spent 3 months in a hospital in Washington DC. Relearning how to eat, walk, talk, bathe, go to the bathroom. The staff retaught her to fasten her seat belt, open a door and spell her name.

The amazing thing is that she never forgot us. She smiled every time my father came to see her, which by the way was every day for the first 2 months and then 4 days a week or more when he could. My father had to work every day, but he still managed to travel almost 2 hours both ways from Southern Maryland to DC to take care of her. He was so in love with my mother and would do anything for her. It's sad to say that this might have been a big part of why he is no longer with us. You see, 2 weeks after we brought my mother home from the hospital, my father had a heart attack and did not survive. I believe, that the stress was to much for him and he passed away literally from a broken heart.

As soon as my sister and I heard the news we were on a plane from Nevada to Maryland. We had the funeral, talked to lawyers, packed up my mothers most needed possessions and moved her back to Vegas. That’s when I became my mothers legal guardian.

Judy has her good days and bad but we take it step by step. The process is never easy but we do our best. I am sad sometimes, lonely most of the time and tired all the time. If I stopped to think about how we got here and how my mother used to be, I could not do this every day. So I don’t think about it. I just do it.

 

Taking care of an aging parent

• My name is Mariah Kissel and I love my mother. She has always been there for me. I was never a sweet little girly girl , and as teenage daughters go, lets just say my parents had there hands full. My mom and dad where constantly fixing my mistakes and covering my butt. When I was in the sixth grade, my class was going to put on a show for the PTA. It was a medley of songs from the Sound of Music. Everyone in our class got to be in the show but only a few were selected to be a Von Trapp child. My teacher was picking the last Von Trap girl and it was between myself and one other student. She told us to bring in a costume on Thursday and she would pick the girl with the best one. Well, of course I waited to tell my mother the costume part until Wednesday night. "If I dont get this part I will die." Yes I was a mellow dramatic child. I think I cried myself to sleep that night because my mother didn’t rush out to find the perfect dress for me. The next morning I woke up and there it was. The perfect dress hanging on my bedroom door. My mother had stayed up all night sewing together this amazing costume out of scrap fabrics she had laying around her craft room. I got the part in that show because of her talents, not mine.

  My mother was always doing things like that for my sister and I. I cannot think of one major event in my life that she wasn’t a part of . When I wanted to move to California she helped me find an apartment and helped pay the bills for said apartment. A year later when I called, begging her to come get me because I couldn’t take LA anymore, she drove four hours in a U-Haul with my dad, packed me up and moved me back to Las Vegas and back into her house. That was just the first of many, many, many times that I would move back in with dear old mom and dad. She was there when I got married and when I got divorced. This amazing woman was even in the delivery room when I had both my children. Katelin in 94 and Jacob in 96. she was the best grandmother. I never had to buy a Halloween costume for my children. Whatever they wanted to be she would make it happen. They were her pride and joy. Even when I told her I was once again getting married, she helped plan the most exquisite wedding. I guess you could say she was as perfect a mom as you can get. She was my best friend.

  I Never thought in a million years that all of that care, love, happiness and friendship could be gone in an instant. So when I got that call, that devastating call. The one that said my mother was sick, confused and alone. The call that said she would need 24 hour care for the rest of her life, I can honestly say that there was no hesitation in making my decision. A decision that would change both her life and mine. My mother spent 35 years taking care of me and it was time for me to return the favor. I became my mother's caregiver right then and there. Caring for a sick aging parent is the hardest thing I will probably ever have to do, but no matter how hard it can get I wouldn’t change my decision to take care of the woman who always took care of me.

  In these blog’s you will get a glimpse of what it is like to be Judy’s care giver and daughter. The good, the bad, the funny…The not so funny. I’m not here to give great advice, all though I might try from time to time. I’m just here to let the hundreds of thousands of sons and daughters taking care of their parents that they are not alone. Please join me next week for my new post and Thank you for taking the time to read my blog.

 

 

 

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